Research subjects needed!

There are always signs around campus soliciting people to become research subjects. They usually ask for very little of you (Play video games! Take a personality quiz! Donate blood!), and appropriately compensate you very little. I have always kept my eyes on them, and have had some friends here at Columbia subject themselves to the mercy of researchers. However, the studies are usually not something I want to participate in, or I don't qualify.

I am generally not interested in any study that pays over $100. Why? Because you have to be violated in the worst imaginable ways to earn >$100 in a research study. My roommate participated in a study that paid $400 once. It required taking skin biopsies from his ass on 4 or 5 consecutive days, the last day being a biopsy following some number of hours after he had taken some research drug. For those unaware of what a skin biopsy entails, let me tell you. They take something akin to a hole puncher and "punch out" a bit more than a half-centimeter (~1/4 inch for you non-scientist Americans) diameter piece of skin. When I say "skin" I mean all of the layers of skin, not just some surface cells. You require 2 or 3 stitches per biopsy. The result? He has a line of 5 little circular scars on his right butt cheek. Scar myself and take some unapproved drug for $400? No thanks.

The craziest study I heard about (which also paid the most) was one conducted before my time here at Columbia, but related to me by a friend of mine. It paid men about $8000. Only men. Why? Well, imagine what differentiates a man from a woman. No no, I'm not talking about logical thought, practicality, reason, or the ability to resist impulses. I mean physically, below the belt. Now imagine what these researchers are going to do to that soft, vulnerable, nerve-rich... organ... for 20 times what 5 skin biopsies pays. This means at least 20 times the pain. Imagine. Think of the worst thing possible, then imagine something worse. (For the record, my friend didn't know what they actually did, but she thought along the same lines as me. Ouch!)

Researchers don't pay that much without inflicting tremendous suffering. Consider that the most I have heard about being given to a woman as compensation for pain/damage to her reproductive system was about $2000, and that was for something that could render the woman unable to bear children! Think about it. I am pretty sure that most sperm banks don't pay donors, or pay a mere pittance of $25-50. Women, on the other hand, can easily command $8000, up to $25,000 if she is Ivy-League educated, for egg donation as that can cause fertility problems later in life. Given that disparity, what could the study which paid men $8000 involve?

The other reason I don't really follow any of these up is that I am not qualified. I am not overweight. I do not smoke. I do not have asthma. I am not bilingual. I am not female (which cuts me out of about 75% of all studies). I am not 40+ years old. I do not have a history of mental illness, nor does anyone in my family. (Insert pithy comment here.)

So imagine my surprise when a study on stress was looking for control subjects. I took the screening examination (a series of questions asking mostly about my physical health, mental health, drug and sexual history, etc), and qualified for the study. It entailed taking some "personality-like" tests. Supposedly only taking one hour of my valuable time, it offered $20 compensation. According to my calculations, I make less than $7 an hour, so $20 is like a Christmas bonus!

I took the tests, filling them out faster than anyone ever had, I am sure. It still took me an hour. Which means that with the prescreen, it took a total of one hour 15 minutes. (They are sneaky that way, aren't they?) When I went to pick up my $20 cash, I was asked a few more questions. To my delight, I found out that I qualify for another study that pays $40-60. Hesitantly, I asked about it. ($60 moves the study into the pain category.)

This other study requires that I donate blood (1.5 to 2 ounces, or about 4 tablespoons; about 60 mLs for you scientists or metric system users). On a later date I have to take a test while be exposed to stressful things. One such stressful event is noise emanating from headphones. The noise would get progressively louder. The other thing is electric shocks, on the level of static electricity. I believe that the woman mentioned that the shocks were applied to my finger, which is good. For $60, those shocks might be applied anywhere... The shocks also increase in intensity. I was told that the study will end when I am uncomfortable. It should not reach the level of pain. I can take these tests under stress for one or two days. If two, they have to be consecutive. Another $20 for one day, $40 if I go both.

Today I donated the blood, got paid, and signed up to do 2 days of test taking next week. Mwa ha ha! Foolish researchers! They have no idea that I am the zen master. I figure I can withstand more than anyone they ever tested, even if I am not supposed to try. I plan to throw off their distribution, big time. :)

Interestingly, the informed consent waiver-thing I had to sign today included some interesting language. First, this sentence:

Your data and DNA will be sent to a repository run by the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and will be maintained as a national resource to qualified research scientists around the world...

Note that this is the same NIMH in the book (and movie) "Mrs Frisby and the rats of NIMH," aka" The secret of NIMH." Also, observe the words "national resource." That's right, my DNA is a national resource, baby. Carefully preserved and guarded for future generations to benefit from. Additionally, there were these two sentences concerning consent to let researchers studying... things, other than stress, use my DNA:

It is important that you understand that if you agree to this additional consent, we do not know at this time all the ways in which your DNA might be used. It is possible that some of the uses may be troubling to some individuals.

Sounds awesome! I can only hope that my DNA is used in unsavory ways! Without any hesitation whatsoever I immediately signed the additional consent. Imagine the possibilities...

So for those of you out there who participated in research studies in the past, perhaps during college, let's hear all about it.