Yilin told me the other night that an ex-boyfriend of her's is in town and she'd like to meet up with him. I'm fine with this, so we'll get together tomorrow night. However, it got me to thinking this morning...
I feel that most men want to look good and dress nice if they are meeting their girlfriend's ex. Likewise, most women want their current boyfriend to look good when meeting their ex-boyfriend. I suspect it all has to do with creating feelings of jealousy and not-so-subtley saying, "See how much better I did than being with you?"
I don't really care for any of that; there are far better ways to create negative feelings and doubt in exes that provide an infinitely greater amount of amusement.
For example, the last time I (sort of) met up with someone from Yilin's past, she was mortified. Why? Because I had this mustache, and we ran into some people who are very good friends with her last boyfriend. She was hesitant to introduce me, and afterward kept saying things like, "Oh my God, they are going to tell him that I am dating a guy with a mustache!" Naturally, this amused me greatly.
What amused me even more was what I imagined this ex-boyfriend's reaction upon hearing that Yilin now dates a guy under 30 years old who sports a full mustache. His first response must've been shock ("What?! Why on Earth would she date a guy with a mustache?"), followed by intense curiosity ("Who is this guy that can woo women with his ubermasculine facial hair?"), and finally leaving him in a state of utter perplexity and despondency ("What is so wrong with me that she is dating a guy with a mustache?").
Therefore, the only course of action upon preparing to meet this other ex-boyfriend tomorrow night is to shave off my peripheral 1/4" stubble and leave a mustache. Granted, it will be a bit thin, but I can tell him that I am just starting to let it grow. I can even bring a photo of me with the full mustache just so he knows what it will look like. I'll carry the photo in my wallet, pretending that it is always there.
Yilin is horrified by this idea, and says that she will run away and take him to another restaurant if I show up with a mustache. She won't let him meet me. However, she'll be too busy catching up with him to notice me sneaking up behind her. When I give her that first kiss on the cheek and say "Hello" she will feel my mustache brush against her face and it will be "Game over, Josh wins".
By doing something so trivial, so ingenious in it's simplicity, as to meet Yilin's ex-boyfriend while sporting a mustache, I will be inducing a whirlwind of self-doubt. The final result of such an encounter is that he will seriously question himself, his masculinity, and his ability to get women. Or, to put it more simply, what I like to call "The Mustache Effect".
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2 comments:
That was the funniest thing I have read in a long time! Your analysis of "meeting the exes" is quite true. I know that I would want to look my best when I see an ex -- but it seems that when you run to the grocery store or something in your glasses and in your sweats you WILL bump into someone you know.
Those pictures (esp. in the suit) made me think of pictures of my dad back in the 70s with his pork chop sideburns and mustache. The side burns have been long gone, but it's only been a couple of years since he shaved the 'stache.
Geez.. I have a lot of free time lately... two responses in 2 days.
I started laughing after I read the title and the first paragraph. Champion that mustache in the face of her ex and cause great doubt!
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