My mom and Yilin know something about me, which I will now reveal to you: I do not buy new shoes or clothes unless it is absolutely necessary. By "absolutely necessary" I mean that the item in question is unable to stay on my body, without my help, during a light jog. Any shoes or clothing that cannot survive/stay on during a light jog should not be worn. (I realize for women that means high heels, but then high heels are so impractical it makes me glad to be a man.) With one exception.
The exception being Exhibit A: my lab shoes. (My mom will cry when she sees I posted this to the internet.) Everyday I pull a Mr. Rogers: I walk into lab, take off my outer layer (long-sleeved shirt, sweater, etc) and change my shoes. I only wear my lab shoes in lab, and in lab I only wear my lab shoes. The duct tape has been replaced twice. I cannot wear them outside if it is at all wet because my socks will be soaked due to the size of the holes.
This exact model of shoe has been on my feet since... sometime in college (1995/6) for sure. They are Sperry Top-Siders. This is my third and final pair. The first two pairs were thrown in the trash by my mom when I was home for holiday breaks, after she bought me new pairs. This last pair was actually thrown in the trash five years ago, but I rescued them. They are my lab shoes.I have completed about 95% of my thesis work thus far in these shoes, and will complete the rest of my thesis work in these shoes. My mom will also be happy to know that when I graduate I will retire these shoes and have them bronzed. They will hang on my wall above my diploma. (I might not even hang my diploma, rather give it to my parents and hang up my shoes.)
But for everyday wear, I now wear blazing yellow Onitsuka Tiger sneakers. Yilin and I went shoe shopping and I wasn't liking anything she picked out. Then I saw these and said, "What do you think?" She told me to try them on, then decided that she really liked them. They're comfortable, so I bought them and wear them everyday.
The reason I got these was that I believe they serve as a proper warning. In nature, poisonous and deadly animals are brightly colored as a bold and daring warning to others: "Mess with me and you will die." In Manhattan, my deadly feet express the same sentiment: "Mess with me and my kung fu kicks will leave you to die in the gutter."The colors are even appropriately those of Bruce Lee's tracksuit in "Game of Death", which you may recognize as Uma Thurman's tracksuit in "Kill Bill". And they work: I always see people staring at my feet, walking clear of me, with looks of mortal terror across their brows. Nobody has messed with me since I got these new shoes.
7 comments:
I forwarded to your Mom and then calle d her on the phone so I could hear the "Oh my God! Oh my God!" come out of her mouth first hand. It was priceless unlike your new shoes.
best post ever, man.
haha! My mom tells me I dress like a hobo and is appalled that I still wear clothes from junior high and from the salvation army.
Nice shoes. The yellow ones I mean.
I remember the first time I saw your lab shoes and I thought, "man, I have to tell my mom, because then she will think it's ok for scientists (and therefore me) to dress like hobos." And now she does.
Thank you Josh for making my world a better place.
Josh, I love both your lab shoes and your new yellow shoes of doom. You really should get those bronzed, that would be so awesome.
The question is: Did anyone bother you with your old shoes on?
If you click your heels together, where do you think you'll go? Red ones obviously bring you to Oz... but yellow ones?
Do the shoes make a man or does a man make the shoes?
I am both horrified and amused by your lab shoes, however, I am still committed to living over your garage; How could I not be... these plans have been in motion for decades! (by the way, have you discussed this with Yilin yet? It seems like the right thing to do given women apparently gain unimaginable power over everything men think and do when they get married, and I'm beginning to fear for my future living accomodations...)
I have to say when I saw your lab shoes photo, I can't believe my eyes. It is almost like a piece of art work, it is so surreal that I can't believe people still can put his feet in.
dusty, of course you can still live over my garage. "an object in motion tends to stay in motion..."
siska, wait until you see them in real life.
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